(THIS WAS WRITTEN MARCH FOURTH @ ONE IN THE MORNING!)
I'm just sittin' in bed, browsing my Bible.
Then I thought about my prayer box necklace.
Which is this necklace here.
My gramma got it for me one year for either my birthday or Christmas. I love that necklace very much. You're supposed to place a tiny piece of paper inside with a prayer on it, or name of the people who you wish to keep in your prayers because you care about them and what not.
I pulled not one, but three little pieces of paper out of mine. With tiny, tiny writing on each, at least four rows of names on both front and back. I seriously have sooooo many names in that thing.
And reading through them. I don't think even a fourth of those people care about me like I do them. No - I know they don't. A majority of those people don't give two shits about the fact that I'm even breathing.
It breaks my heart to read through the names.
I just replaced the paper and rewrote the names in late January, by the way.
It hurts so much to look at because I care so much about people....and far more than I should. Where does it get me? Stepped on and pushed away.
Because I'm not good enough.
I'm not pretty, or cute. I'm not funny enough, I'm not cool enough, I'm not smart enough, or whatever reasons people give.
On a daily basis I have to live with knowing I mean nothing to some of the people that mean most to me. And it fucking kills me. Yeah, I know, I'm a crybaby. But honestly, what the shit did I do wrong? I don't think I deserve this.
I'm not a terrible person. I'm actually a really good person, with a really, really good heart. I just have some flaws like everyone else. Only mine seem to matter more to some people than other peoples do.
I basically have nobody. Really that's how I feel.
I know have some really good people in my life who tell me I can always come to them....and I know I can. But then again...no, I can't.
Honestly, I can't tell a single person everything. Not even my two best friends.
Because every time I tell someone something it makes me
A.) A creep.
B.) An idiot.
C.) An asshole.
D.) A douche.
E.) Ridiculous.
F.) Psycho.
G.) All the above.
Not only does it slightly piss me off, but it hurts like a mother fucker. I am probably one of thee most sensitve crybaby sissy's on the face of the Earth. I've dealt with so much in my life, and it's made me that way. I've been to Hell and back way more than once.
I promise I've been through, and still go through more than most of you. Every day I wake up and it's like, "Son of a bitch, why?"
I never show that to people - not in person. Because I fight it so hard. But there's just some days where it builds up and I can't take it.
Like right now - I'm in bed, bawling like a little bitch at fucking 1:03 A.M.
Absolutely pathetic and ridiculous.
I pretty much hate everyone/thing at the moment.
Whatever.
< / rant >
(Excuse any errors. I'm at least four feet from my screen and can hardly see.)
Labels: bitch, box, christmas, creep, cry, crybaby, hurt, idiot, necklace, pathetic, people, prayer, rant, sensitive, sissy
posted by LyssaLoveless at 7:12 PM