This is long, and I'm ranting like an asshole. Ya' know, the usual.
This applies to many, many people I know.
I've come to a realization in the past few days.
I don't go out much, and I don't allow myself to hang out and have a lot of friends.
Because for one - I get used by so many people - and for multiple reasons. Whether it be because of who I know, who I'm related to, for rides, etc.
All my life, people walk in and walk out as they please. And I hate it, because sometimes, I actually form attachments to some of those people. I can be the best of friends with someone for months, years any given amount of time - and then in an instant they just disappear; I get replaced. It's like a cycle for me. I've pretty much found myself with a new best friend every year of school. Sometimes they don't even last that long. The only one person I can say that I've had as a best friend for a long time is, Erin. We've been best friends since we were really little -fifteen years-, and I know she's one person I'll never lose touch with. And if we do, I'll be very upset. Nicole I see lasting forever too - I just don't think I'll ever get rid of her. We pretty much can't stop being friends - we have shit on each other. haha. [Wow, both of them gone now, whatta joke.]
Anyways moving on.
Second of all - (and this stemming off of number one.) Well...let's just say I'm not stupid. I know why some people hang out with me, and invite me places.
Just like Tags brought up one day while talking to me and Erin: "Most girls have that one friend thats not attractive, and they know that, and that's why she's there. To make them look and feel better when in certain places."
Known as - the ugly friend...that would be me. (No, I'm not looking for anything by saying that, so shut the fuck up, idiot. I'll pinch you.) I'm not dumb, I can see these things. This ugly friend thing doesn't apply to every girl I've hung out with. I mean, I'm not conceited - but then again I'm not stupid. I know I'm not cute, sorry, doesn't always bother me. Except for times like these.
I've always been the one that gets called to come hang out with my friend when either
A.) Her object of lust
B.) Potential boyfriend (or boyfriend)
C.) Crush
or
D.) Any cute boys at all
are going to be around. Because they figure, HEY bring the ugly friend, I'll look better. And that's pretty much what they say without saying it.
"Hey, the guy I like wants to hang out. I want you to come really bad, you have to." Meaning --> "Hey, the guy I like wants to hang. So since you're gross, can you come make me look better so that I have a shot?"
I'm not that stupid, sweetie - I can see right through your friendly bullshit. Don't think for one second you're fooling me.
Third point - I care for people so much more than I should. Cliché thing to say, yes. But truth, OH YES. I put so much effort into keeping in touch with certain people, and people that I don't see much. Just to be fucked over, and shrugged off. I work my ass off to help some people out, and I get taken for granted. I can't tolerate it. I'm so much nicer than I should be to most people, they get so much better than they deserve to out of me.
And yes, these things are pretty much all my fault, I know - I know. Everything pretty much has been weighing down on me a lot lately. I hate being in situations and places that make me think about this stuff and bring me to these realizations. I'm so emotionally fucked up, and I know this and I struggle with this every day of my life.
I am so unhappy with where I am, and who I am. And it eats at me daily. Part of me blames myself, because I know it's partially my fault. The other part places blame on the people that are in or have been in my life. Because they've brought some of this on. I get hurt by the majority of the people in my life - whether they know it or not. Half of those people would never even suspect that they hurt me....but they do. They do it often too.
The thing that sucks most about it? I can't find it in my heart to hate any of them, to dislike them, or to push any of them out of my life completely. I keep them hanging in, by atleast a thread. One that's just strong enough to keep them there, and hope that maybe things will be restitched.
I have so much hope and desire in my heart that it makes me sick. I know I sound pathetic, I know I am pathetic. I don't care right now though. I'm too stressed and too tired.
Like I've said before, I'm hopelessly hopeful.
Forget spelling and grammar, I don't feel like fixing this. It won't make sense when I re read anyway...
Labels: blame, boys, care, cliche, crush, desire, fool, friend, heart, hope, hurt, life, love, people, ugly
posted by LyssaLoveless at 2:50 PM