Almost four years ago I when I was at the age of thirteen, I said something that I promised myself. I sort of made a pact with myself stating that: "If things aren't better, and I'm not happy by the time my sixteenth birthday rolls around, I'm going to commit suicide on that day."
That's how depressed I was in middle school, that's when I really broke. Thirteen years old, and I was telling myself that I was going to kill myself on the day of my sixteenth birthday if things didn't get better by then. Thirteen fucking years old, and at rock bottom, past it even. Thirteen years old and making a suicide pact with myself, giving myself three years left to live.
"Well, Elyssa, you're here now. So I take it things are better, and you're happy?"
Wrong. So, so very wrong. Sure some things did get better, I got over some things and maybe I did get a little bit happier. That's all exterior emotion, I've never let anyone see more than maybe a little sadness and a few tears. Nobody knows how bad I've really been, and how bad I sometimes still am.
Yeah, I smile and laugh a lot. There are things that make me happier than I have ever been. I'm not saying I'm always back in that same place as I was those few years ago. There are periods of times where I boomerang back to that place. Periods of time like right now - days like today.
Do I enjoy these periods of time? Absolutely not. Am I looking for pity out of my writings? No, and I'll pinch you if you try to give it. Nothing's worse than having someone's pity....usually.
I just need to vent, and rant sometimes. Especially about things that I feel I can't talk about verbally. I'm much better with a keyboard than I am with my mouth. Well...vocabulary wise that is. (Ha, see, I can be funny...) I don't feel limited to what I say when I'm typing, as opposed to when I am speaking. I don't get nervous about the looks I'm getting when someone reads my writings, because I don't see those reactions like I do when verbally speaking. I'm just very insecure like that. I'm insecure about 90% of who I am, and for lack of a better term...it fucking sucks.
Now the question is: "If you're so insecure and unhappy, Elyssa, why are you still alive?"
Well, to be completely honest, sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes when I have time periods like right now, I regret not following through. I second guess my decision, but then I remember why I didn't do it. I'm reminded of why I didn't by lyrics, by melodies, harmonies, guitars, bass, drums and vocals.
I'm reminded of why by five guys who have never once failed to make my heart burst, to make - not only me smile, but make my heart smile too.
"Gosh, Elyssa, what do you mean?"
Before I turned sixteen years old, before I had the chance to make any final decision - I found these guys:
(The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)And when I was fifteen years and five days old, I saw them live for the first time. Their first time in Cleveland. Yes, I liked them before then. I knew who they were before then, I'd chatted via internet with them (and yes, I did think I was sweet, thanks.). However, that night was the night that just sucked me right in. Just something about them. Their music, their presence, the way the talked to me, their sweaty hugs - just everything about those five guys drew me in. From that night on, I was hooked. Since then, I have NEVER missed a Cleveland show....and I never will.
July 6, 2006 - RJA's second time in Cleveland. They played a little private show in The Cambridge Room next to / inside of House Of Blues Cleveland. Samantha and I got to the little venue super early, and were the third and fourth people to walk inside. We stood right in front of where Duke would be standing. Then we suffered through Clever Dan, but I won't go into that. The guys in Jumpsuit came out, the crowd had pretty much zero reaction. They all continued with conversation, while the guys set up their stuff.
Then Duke and Joey come up to me and Sam smiling. First thing out of Joey's mouth?
"Okay ladies, I can't promise that I won't hit you...BUT, I'm going to try not to."
Classic. Then we ended up talking, Joey ventured off to finish setting up. After a few minutes, Duke ended up on the phone with Kelly 'cause it was Kelly's um, birthday. Ronnie came over with his beer and a cigarette and was like, "Who is he on the phone with?" So Sam and I explained, and he was like, "Ohhh, I thought he was on his phone. I was like, 'man, we have to play.'" Then I couldn't help but laugh at Duke hanging up after being done and immediately starting the first song. And Ronnie hurrying to finish the rest of his cigarette before he had to start singing.
That short show they did that afternoon / evening was what won me over completely. That little set captured my heart. All from just simple little things. The look I saw in their eyes as they played, the smiles on their faces, their energy, everything about their performance. The lyrics, the feeling of the bass pounding through my veins...it just completely stole me. The few seconds of direct eye contact and smiles from the guys as they did their thing (lame term, I know) and played their hearts out to the few of us that were there. I will never forget that day as long as I live, (assuming I don't suffer from severe memory loss as I age.) it holds great importance in my life and in my heart. After the show, the time I spent just hanging out with those guys, actually TALKING and taking pictures...and dropping cameras on heads (sorry Jon!) meant and still does mean the world to me.
Most people spend their whole lives searching for one special person. One single person that makes them feel alive. Just one person that makes them happy, someone that takes away stupid insecurities and makes them feel incredible. Everyone wants that one person that they can be nothing but themselves around, and just be completely content. It takes most people years, or a lifetime to find just one person. Here I was, not even a quarter of the way through my life. And I ended up stumbling upon five boys that instantly brought that into my life. I was amazed by it that night, and sometimes I still am. I have nobody else in my life that can erase my insecurities like that. Every single person I know, I feel highly self conscious around. I feel very insecure with everyone, and I feel insecure everywhere I go.
But these guys take that all away. I don't know how they did it, or how they do it. All that matters is that they do, and I don't want to ever lose that. That's my biggest fear, is losing that...losing them. Sadly, I can almost feel that fear coming true. With each passing month, each passing single, video, and tour I feel as though it's about to slip through my fingers. I don't want that, and I can't have that. I've never found anyone I feel comfortable around other than them, where I'm not worrying about anything or anyone else. Even when we're just talking via myspace, It's like we've been the best of friends forever. I can't find out what my life would be like without that...without them. I don't ever want to experience that, because that alone would be enough to kill me. That would destroy me.
Those five guys are my life, my heart my soul, my everything.
My five guardian angels; and I love them more than words could describe.
I owe them my life, literally, I do. I will never stop being grateful to all they have done for me.
**I forgot to mention a VERY significant event in all this. A little over a week before my sixteenth birthday...I celebrated, with RJA at House Of Blues during the Take Action! Tour.
Labels: alliance, apparatus, don't, face down, fake, guardian angel, it, jumpsuit, red, rja, suicide, the red jumpsuit apparatus, transmission, trja, yours
posted by LyssaLoveless at 6:27 PM